wow, that's a fake smile if I ever saw one...I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was nice. I woke up early to make green bean casserole (from scratch--no canned beans/soup mix for us, thank you) and made lots of other stuff at mom and dad's, per usual. Grandma's homemade stuffing recipe, Quorn loaf, sweet potato casserole, veggie gravy, etc. etc. It was a good day, despite a brief fight I got into with my sister. Two pregnant women with such conflicting beliefs (not to mention emotional hormones) are bound to get into it, I guess. I think there's no hard feelings...
We switched doctors officially and I feel really good about our choice. The deal breaker with our midwife was that they induce labor at 41 weeks (and that we only had a 1 in 5 chance of getting her for delivery vs. one of the other doctors in the practice.) Since the average pregnancy takes 41 weeks and 1 day, it was a gamble I wasn't willing to take--with either of our bodies. Inductions create issues, issues create interventions, interventions typically lead to cesarean. None of that for us, thanks. Me and Des got this.
Put up our tree yesterday and Tim finished painting the green color (two coats) in the nursery over the past few days. One more color to go (a kind of bisque/off white color) and he's also talking about refinishing the floor. All these things cost money--more than you'd think--and I hate being stressed about money. There are so many things one needs for a baby, and I think we're being really frugal and conservative with our purchases. I'm taking as many hand-me-downs as possible on the things we think would be great to have but don't necessarily want to spend $$ on: activity mats, bouncers, swings, burp cloths, first year toys, etc. etc. and my friends who have already had kids are great about giving us stuff. Actually, we have so much donated "stuff" right now, it's hard to know where to put everything. Last weekend we sold a coffee table, tv, and ac unit that were just sitting downstairs in the basement. Today T's taking more boxes of old clothes to goodwill. Yet somehow there are still bucketloads of things to get rid of. And yet more things that we need to buy. For example, I like this crib a lot and it's not too expensive. So far so good... But then add in necessary accouterments like this dresser/changing table or this rocker/glider for feedings not to mention legal required purchases of car seats (with at least one base for each car) and accompanying stroller... it's enough to make someone have a panic attack. To top it all off, not only are the holidays coming up (and their requisite x-mas purchases per family member) I also have 3--soon to be 4--birthdays of immediate family members in December. No wonder suicide rates go up during the holidays... I think my heart rate is going up just thinking about it.
In reality, I am quite peaceful and content. But being pregnant leaves little opportunities for stress-relieving tactics. I've basically been relying on prenatal yoga videos, and visualization/hypnosis techniques. No glass of wine, no going out and dancing till dawn for me, thanks. I barely do anything but go to work and come home anymore. Even my long nights of sleep and good clean living doesn't always make me feel so sweet. These days I wake up every two hours with back pain and turning over on my sides are the only acceptable positions for sleeping. Sitting for more than 20 minutes can be painful. Standing for too long, ditto.
Today's my first day of the third trimester and I'm really hoping the next 3 months don't take too long. I'm tired of wishing away these months--just like I did almost the entire summer--and while I'm totally ready for my life to be changing with baby Des coming into it, I could really use some of my old life back. Like a social life. Like my waist. Like a nice glass of wine. Nine+ months of "good clean living" gets really old when you feel completely alone. Of course, T's great and wonderful as usual, but being left alone every weekend (even if I'd just be sleeping) makes me feel like a burden sometimes. It's weird: I used to be the one always up for a party. I used to be the one with 5 things to do every night. How quickly things change!
The biggest, and most rewarding thing about being pregnant, isn't just the infinite possibilities of bringing this little life into the world. It is the closeness of being joined with another person in such an intimate way. Feeling his every move. Sharing every thought. Since that is such a huge responsibility, it is hard to get down and let yourself wallow in self-pity. I feel like our psychic connection should forbid me from thinking any sad thoughts, but all these emotions make it hard not to. I just take small consolation that he will make this world a better place with his mere existence. That he will continue to strengthen the relationship that T & I have as well as make us both better people. I never thought it was possible to love someone you've never met before so much. But I do. And I can't wait for him to be a part of our lives.
